Our Dysfunctional, Homosexual, Wonderful Family
by ShowMeTheStarsIn221B
Summary: In a typical day of early fatherhood, Bulgaria makes the mistake of accompanying Romania and their baby on a family shopping trip. RoBul human AU, trade fic sequel to Tată and Bashta.


_A/N: For Republic-of-Yolossia, I hope you like it._

_Note: Romania is Alin, Bulgaria is Tsvetan, and Anton is an OC._

* * *

"TSVETAAAAAN!"

Tsvetan sighed exasperatedly, placing his book down on the coffee table. Couldn't he have one moment of peace…?

"Alin? What's wrong?" He called calmly, in great contrast to his partner's previous hair raising shout.

"What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong!" Alin continued to yell, coming into the room carrying their baby, Anton, under his arm. Anton was gurgling happily, clearly amused by his father's distress. "We've run out of nappies!" He said dramatically, in a voice that clearly warned of coming doom. "This is the last one!"

"How the hell did we run out?" Tsvetan groaned, rubbing his temples. "I thought you bought a lifetime supply last week!"

"I did! At least, what I _thought _was a lifetime supply…"

Tsvetan rolled his eyes and hastily plucked Anton out of Alin's arms before he dropped him in sheer excitement. Anton beamed up at him, all rosy cheeks and bright eyes, clearly oblivious to his father's distress. He tried to reach up and pull Tsvetan's hair, tangling his tiny fist in his Bashta's dark locks. Tsvetan grimaced and gently removed his grubby fingers.

"What are we going to do with you…?"

Anton only offered a gummy smile in answer.

"Dammit, I don't want to go to the shopping centre today," Alin was complaining, pacing the room irritably. "It's all hustle and bustle and old ladies with umbrellas and people you know but wish you don't and stores selling useless junk and completely unhelpful shop assistants-"

"Alin-"

"And then this random chick comes up to you and is all 'Hey sweetie, do you want to check out these new beauty products we have? Your girlfriend would love them!' and you can't exactly say no can you? And-"

"Al-"

"-Then somehow you end up getting lost and wind up in the ladies lingerie department-"

"Alin!" Tsvetan halted his partners monologue in mid flow, thrusting his baby at him. However, he lost his train of thought as the last part of Alin's speech sunk into his brain. "Wait, has that actually happened to you?"

"Multiple times." Alin closed his eyes at the memory. "And if you tell them that you're not a pervert, you're gay; they try to sell you _things_."

Tsvetan hastily put a comforting arm around Alin's shoulder, biting his lip hard so he wouldn't laugh.

"That's… Unfortunate…" He said carefully.

"Too right it was. I'm scarred for life." Said Alin bitterly.

"However, we still need to get Anton some nappies. No excuses."

Alin looked up, horrified. "You can't send me there on my own!"

Tsvetan sighed. "Fine, I'll go-"

"No! I can't let you fall prey to evil shop assistants!"

"Al, they're just doing their job…"

However, Alin was adamant. "We'll go together! And Anton can come too!" He snuggled his nose into his son's tummy, making Anton shriek with laughter. "That's decided then. Let's grab the buggy and be off!"

Tsvetan followed behind in his partner's wake, wondering what on earth he had got himself into.

_"We're off to buy some nappies, some wonderful nappies of Oz~"_

* * *

Tsvetan was beginning to realise that Alin's fears weren't exactly over dramatised. They had only been in the mall for ten minutes and they were already incredibly lost.

"I thought the sign said that the supermarket was on the second floor!" Alin puzzled, doing a 360 to view the entire floor. Tsvetan was walking along beside him pushing Anton in his buggy. The boy obviously hadn't picked up on his parent's distress; he was bouncing up and down with excitement, clearly having the time of his life. He burbled away in his chair, waving clumsily to everyone who came past and grinning widely as they stopped to say hello, or coo over how 'utterly adorable your little boy is.' Alin of course, merely had to flash his fang and stare at them with his red eyes to make them become quickly interested in the nearest shop window display, but Tsvetan always felt obliged to thank them and strike up a friendly conversation, thus slowing them down even more.

"Ba ba ba," Tsvetan looked down to see Anton gazing up at him, his

bright eyes hopeful. "ba ba!"

"For the last time Anton, it's _Bashta." _Tsvetan said gently, lifting Anton out of his buggy. "Can you say bashta?"

"Ba… shada," said Anton proudly, waving his arms around. Tsvetan laughed softly.

"Well done sweetie! Now, what was it you wanted to tell me?"

"Ba shada… ba!" Anton pointed clumsily at a nearby shop, grinning sweetly. "P-pweeeese?"

Tsvetan followed his son's finger and groaned. "Anton, that's not why we came here."

"What's not?" Said Alin, suddenly joining in on the conversation. He too looked where Anton was pointing, eyes taking in the colourful monstrosity that was the toy shop. Streams of kids and harassed looking parents were entering and exiting the door, either crying or holding games and toys to their chests with delight.

"I'm sorry Anton, but not today," said Tsvetan firmly, setting Anton down and making as if to push the buggy away from the toy shop. However, Anton began to sniffle, his dejected expression melting Alin's heart.

"Actually Tsve, maybe we could look around for five minutes…?"

Tsvetan looked up to meet his partner's expression, which was a big mistake. Alin had clearly got in touch with his inner child, and was giving Tsvetan the cutest puppy dog eyes he had ever seen. True, the dark red of his irises were as always, mildly terrifying, but at the same time they were incredibly alluring.

"Godammit, not you too…" Tsvetan said, looking away fast. Why did Alin and Anton have to be so damn adorable…?

"Please Tsve~" Alin moved in and hooked the arm of his prey, resting his chin on his shoulder and giving him the sweetest smile he could muster. Target locked. Engaged.

"You have got to be kidding..." Alin nibbled his ear gently, and Tsvetan yelped. "Al! We're in the middle of a shopping mall!"

"Let's go then," Said Alin cheekily, "take me to the toy store~"

"No."

"Anton will start crying if you don't."

Tsvetan momentarily looked down at his son's screwed up face, and made a spontaneous decision.

"Fine then… No terrorising innocent kids, got that?"

But Alin had already grabbed the buggy and was propelling it through the sliding doors at top speed, with cries of "Screw you bitches, I'm forever young!"

Tsvetan followed, making embarrassed apologies to scandalised parents as he passed, catching a few displays that had been knocked over, pretending that he didn't know his lover at all. The usual.

It was incredibly easy to trace where Alin and Anton had disappeared to, you only had to follow the disapproving looks of passing adults. They had, of course, wound up in the soft toy section of the shop, completely buried under piles of multi-coloured animals, monsters and raggedy dolls. It would appear that Alin had tossed Anton into the mess with the cry of; "Cannon ball!"

"Oh god Alin," groaned Tsvetan as he made his way over to them, "Again? Seriously?"

Alin didn't reply, just proceeded to almost bury himself and Anton with toys until they were completely hidden, with only their eyes visible, peeking out underneath a giant rainbow unicorn.

"Are they coming?" Hissed Alin from under his small, fluffy mountain.

"Who are coming?"

"The shop assistants!" Alin said, ducking under again. "We can't let them find us, can we Annie?"

"Ta!" Anton replied, voice muffled by a snow leopard he had clutched to his chest.

"That's my boy."

"Of course the shop assistants are coming Al!" Tsvetan said irritably, "You're a freaking public menace! We'll be lucky if they only kick us out! And what did you do with the buggy?"

Alin poked an arm out and held it up to their lips. "I've hidden it where they will never find it."

"It's dumped in the middle of the Lego isle," came a new voice beside Tsvetan, making him jump. "Hello Tsvetan, nice to see you again."

Tsvetan whipped around, finding himself face to face with no other than Elizabeta Héderváry, Alin's childhood playmate and proclaimed arch-enemy. Who, for some reason, had a badge pinned to her chest saying that she was an employee of the shop they were currently in.

"Oh… Hello Elizabeta! Long time no see, eh?" Said Tsvetan nervously, taking in her annoyed expression and sudden materialisation of a frying pan which she had casually clutched in her hand.

"Hello Tsvetan!" She replied, with false cheeriness. "I heard you were causing trouble in my shop?"

"You work here?" Tsvetan replied stupidly, fumbling for some small talk which wouldn't end up with him being beaten over the head with a cooking implement.

"Yes, but only part time," said Elizabeta, conversationally. "It's part of my research project."

"Research… Project?" Asked Tsvetan nervously, not really wanting to know the answer.

However, dreaded answer never came, because at that precise moment Alin decided to poke his head out of the toy mountain.

"Tsve, are they-"He froze, speech hanging as he realised who was standing over him, frying-pan clutched in her hand. "Oh shit. Of all the people we could've run into, why did it have to be you?"

"You sound so pleased to see me Alin," She replied frostily, folding her arms over her chest. "I should've known it was you the moment my boss told me someone was causing trouble."

"What are you trying to say!?" Shot back Alin. If he were a cat, his tail would resemble an elongated porcupine. He climbed clumsily out of the pile, straightening his fancy jacket and meeting Elizabeta's eye in a hostile manner.

"Al," hissed Tsvetan, hastily grabbing his arm to avoid them tearing each other's hair out, "Haven't you forgotten something?"

For a moment, Alin just stared at Tsvetan blankly. Then…

"HOLY SHIT, ANTON!"

Alin flew back to the disassembled pile of toys, throwing them this way and that until he uncovered his son, curled up near the bottom hugging a small patchwork giraffe. Alin picked him up carefully, hoisting him into the air as if he was baby Simba from the Lion King. Tsvetan rolled his eyes and plucked the sleepy Anton out of Alin's hands without another word.

"Oh my _god_, is that your baby?!"

Tsvetan looked at Elizabeta and was shocked by the sudden attitude change. Before, she was all hostility, but now…

"He is so _cute!_" Elizabeta was clutching her hands to her chest, practically squealing as she fawned over little Anton. "Hold on, are you two _together?"_

Unwisely, Tsvetan ignored Alin's furious 'shut up' gestures and said, "Uh yes, for quite a while now. We adopted Anton together."

The squeal that followed almost completely defeated him. "Oh my _god, _why didn't someone tell me? You two are actually themost _adorable _thing _ever!_ Are you married yet? Ooh, tell me who tops! Actually, make sure you tell me _every detail. _I can't believe how _perfect _you two are-"

"Someone save me from the crazy lady..." Moaned Alin, putting his hands over his ears.

"So Tsvetan, tell me. How did Alin first confess his feelings towards you?" Elizabeta continued breathlessly, ignoring Alin's protests completely. "I bet he blushed. He looks so stupid when he blushes!"

"Oi!"

"Actually, can I get you guys to do something for me? I've been trying to get yaoi photos for Kiku's new manga for _ages _and it would be just wonderful if I could get your picture-"

"I-I'm really sorry Elizabeta, but we really need to take Anton home now," said Tsvetan nervously, trying desperately to come up with an excuse to leave. "I think we'll just pay the fine and go-"

"Oh, you don't need to pay any fine," said Elizabeta, dismissing the idea with a wave of her hand. "A few photos would suffice…"

"No Lizzy. Just no."

"Maybe if we just buy something for Anton, would that be a sufficient apology?" Said Tsvetan desperately, keen to avoid a verbal brawl in the middle of a toy shop. Elizabeta and Alin were already nose to nose, and breathing hard. Sensing that his parents were distracted, Anton decided to make a bid for freedom, but Tsvetan re-adjusted his grip on the baby before he tumbled out of his arms.

"Ba, wannit!" Spoke up Anton suddenly, waving around the patchwork giraffe he still had clutched in his hand.

"Ok Anton, we'll get it now, shall we?" Tsvetan gently pulled on Alin's arm, detaching him from his staring match with Elizabeta before he lost. "C'mon Al," he hissed. "You've caused enough trouble already…"

"I don't know what you are talking about."

Tsvetan rolled his eyes and dragged his beloved up to the counter by the hand, quietly scolding him as he purchased the giraffe, much to Anton's delight. The little one immediately picked it up and hugged it to his chest, looking up at his fathers with adoring eyes. Alin couldn't help it, he took his son from Tsvetan's arms and cuddled him affectionately, bouncing him up and down saying things like; "My baby is so cuuuute~"

Tsvetan laughed at the sudden, public display of affection displayed by his eccentric lover, trying, at the same time to send an apologetic look towards the man who had served them behind the counter. However, Alin was having none of it.

"Aw don't worry Tsve, you're cute too!" And Alin pulled Tsvetan into a kiss above Anton's fluffy head.

Tsvetan was vaguely aware of a high pitched squeal and a camera flash, before he reluctantly pulled away from Alin's soft mouth.

"Al… I think that if we offend the public even more we will be kicked out," he whispered into his ear, casting an eye around the curious expressions of the children and the disapproving faces of the adults. Alin turned around too, and waved at the other customers in a dignified fashion.

"Carry on fellow citizens, nothing to see here…" He said airily. "What's your problem, never seen two guys in a relationship before?"

Several stony faces stared back at him, clearly expressing their disapproval. To Tsvetan's relief, Alin seemed to notice, and he quickly snatched up the buggy and stalked out, towing Tsvetan behind him in his wake. It was only when they got to the sliding doors when Alin turned around and shouted back into the shop:

"Fuck the haters, I'm gay and proud!"

Tsvetan spontaneously decided to perform a hasty exit out of the mall.

* * *

A little while later, Tsvetan was buckling Anton up in his car seat and preparing to leave. The little cutie had already fallen asleep, he noticed, still clutching his patchwork giraffe in one hand and using the other to stick his thumb in his mouth. Tsvetan watched him sleep for a moment before getting in the driver's seat and slamming the door behind him, starting up the car slightly more aggressively than he meant to. Next to him, Alin sat there chuckling at something on his phone.

"What's that?" Tsvetan asked, keeping one eye on the road.

"Oh, just something Liz sent me," said Alin offhandedly. "She took some pretty excellent photos. Sometimes I really hate that girl, but others she's pretty cool, I suppose."

Tsvetan grunted non-committedly. Then he spoke up, glancing across at Alin. "Al, promise me one thing."

"Uh huh?"

"Never, ever take me shopping again."

Alin laughed for a moment, but then stopped, wide eyed.

"But Tsvetan!"

"Hmm?"

Alin leant forward, a look of comical horror on his face, almost making Tsvetan drive off the road in surprise. But when he spoke, it was all Tsvetan could do to stop himself from laughing.

"We never bought any nappies!"

**End.**

* * *

_A/N: Ah, I had fun writing that. Thanks to Republic-of-Yolossia for doing yet another trade fic with me! Make sure that you check out her beautiful Robul story, Us against the World. _

_I also have plans for writing a series of RoBul one-shots, so make sure you stay tuned. _

_Thanks for reading~_

_-Stars._


End file.
